My need to hide my neediness
My sister took this picture of me when I was thirteen. Looking at it makes me wonder if I was already as wounded and messed up as I feel now that I am forty-five.
Beth shared a moment of sadness with me today. It was about not having children and it made me sad also. We have been together for so long and I still don’t feel like I know how to ease her pain. I don’t know what to do to protect her and that frightens me to my core.
I feel guilty for not doing much work in the office today. I work a lot of off-hours so it evens out in the end, but people expect me to work when I am at work and I haven’t done much work this week. I began the day by taking a couple of self-tests meant to show if I was experiencing depression. On both I ranked as “Severe Depressed.”
psycom.net and psychologytoday.com’s self-test results both found me to be severe depressed. I even tried lieing on some of the answers to be moderately depressed, but the test saw right thgouth me.
I don’t know what I am needy for
Why do I feel so scared to admit my neediness? Instead, I pretend that loneliness doesn’t hurt me, and that I can protect myself and lick my own wounds until they heal.
The truth is that most times I don’t know what I need nor what I am feeling. Right now though, I just want to curl up in bed with Fluffs and feel his purring on my chest. I miss him.
When I wrote this, I was listening to this:
This song was written by Tom Waits for a play called Woyzeck. The play is a bit dark and so is this song, but I really like it.