Panic attacks. I still have them.

This is what my brain feels like when I have a panic attack. That’s me in the lower right corner trying to get all my shit done.

I had a panic attack this morning. It was triggered by something so insignificant. I left my lunch on the kitchen table while I got ready for work. With eight cats, one of them was bound to notice. I didn’t hear it fall, but one of them knocked the containers to the floor. Fortunately, the containers both had lids on and my lunch didn’t end up all over the kitchen floor. Although, in retrospect, that would have been the lesser evil. What I got, instead was two food containers each with an unremarkable tossed salad.

My lunch was ruined! Only that it wasn’t, but it wasn’t what I had planned and I immediately felt a small numbness in my brain. Physically, it began as an incredibly anxious feeling in my pelvis that caused my foot to stomp quietly, yet aggressively in front of the fridge. I also noticed the cadence of my breath change. Instead of long, smooth breaths, they were shorter and stronger, and my stomach muscles contracted with each exhale. On my way out I stopped my usual minute or two to appreciate the new patch of baby grass in the front lawn, but my jaw was stiff and I was grinding my teeth with force. After a few seconds I was on my way to work.

half a mile away from home my eyes couldn’t contain the tears. They were mostly out of frustration and panic. I tried to not let my wife see me, but I think she noticed. She took her hand and held my left forearm for a bit. I was grateful that she didn’t ask or mention it. It would have made it worse.

I was listening to this.

This song has always been able to unscramble my brain and gotten me through another day.