Panic attacks. I still have them.

This is what my brain feels like when I have a panic attack. That’s me in the lower right corner trying to get all my shit done.

I had a panic attack this morning. It was triggered by something so insignificant. I left my lunch on the kitchen table while I got ready for work, and one of my eight cats knocked off the table. Fortunately, the container’s lids were secure and my lunch didn’t end up all over the kitchen floor. Although, in retrospect, that wouldn’t have been the worse thing. What I got, instead was two food containers each with an unremarkable tossed salad.

My lunch was ruined! Only that it wasn’t, but it wasn’t what I had planned and I immediately felt a small numbness in my brain. Physically, it began as an incredibly anxious feeling in my pelvis that caused my foot to stomp quietly, yet aggressively in front of the fridge. I also noticed the cadence of my breath change. Instead of long, smooth breaths, they were shorter and more aggresive. My stomach muscles contracted with each exhale, and on my way out the door felt my jaw clench. I was grinding my teeth with such force that it gave me a headache.

Half a mile away from home I broke down and my eyes couldn’t contain the tears anymore. They were mostly out of frustration and panic. I tried to not let my wife see me, but I think she noticed. I was grateful that she didn’t ask about it, or mention it. It would have made it worse.

I was listening to this.

This song has always been able to unscramble my brain and gotten me through another day.