Fall 2018 - My list of what I have learned in year two

Sunrise in Ellensburg, Fall 2018. View East from Airport Drive. Yes, I know it’s upside down. It’s more interesting.

It’s fall all over again

I am still getting use to what it means to have seasons. So far, they have been inconsistent in their timing, temperature, and color. In 2016, Fall came with a palette so vibrant and turned the town into all shades of red, yellow, orange, purple and blues unlike anything I had seen before. Last year not so much–or rather, not so early. This year it’s just different.

Year two in Ellensburg

Fall is my time of the year to reflect on the past 12 months and list the things that I have learned in the past year.

1. I don’t have to be right. I found myself in a lot of conversations where I wished I would have just shut up earlier than I did. I am beginning to see that I struggle with this. I don’t always need to be right.
2. Sequence is more important than patterns. I have noticed that I place a lot of weight on understanding clearly how I get from A to Z, or 1 to 10, more so, than what it all means. In this stage of my life, sequence is more useful. This probably stems from the last four years of trying to understand the series of events and decisions that brought me to where I am today. And it is interesting because I have always been more of an Intuitive than a Sensor. I don’t know if this is a permanent change, but it is one that has been useful to notice.
3. Severing a relationship a most painful thing. I have always contended that I am incapable of saying ‘good-bye’, and that this is the reason why I have stayed-in and even pursued unhealthy relationships (platonic, romantic or otherwise). But when I count the number of ‘good-byes’ that I have said to relationships and parts of my life over the last 48 months, I know that I am quite capable. But it’s severing a relationship that triggers every fear, paralyzing sadness, and a feeling to rescue that relationship at any cost. The relationship with my Aunt is all but over. I don’t respect her as I once did, and I am only cordial to her out of respect for my mom. That has made me terribly sad this year.
4. Sleep is everything. I use to not mind functioning with little sleep. In fact, I use to brag about being able to function on 3-4 hours of sleep. But being tired all the time is not fun. Feeling tired also makes me prone to acting like a victim to how unfair life is. I suspect that this will become the next big ‘thing’ for me. That is to have good sleep.
5. I don’t want friends. I don’t know when this changed. I use to feel such a need to connect with others and make friends, but I don’t so much anymore. I avoid occasions that present the opportunity to get to know people at work in a more personal level. Eric, Jon, and Dawn are the only few that I would befriend outside of work, but I decline every invitation to do anything outside of work with them. I am quite sure that this is NOT healthy. I am also quite sure that this is something that I don’t want to think about.
6. I want to be a dad. The one relationship that I long for is to be my daughter’s or my son’s best friend. Maybe the fact that I am turning 45 this year has made me think about the one role that I don’t hold–father–more. Sometimes I put myself in Rich Moreno’s shoes and pretend that I have a similar relationship with my daughter as I see him have with his.
7. Complacency kills. I don’t feel new anymore. I have settled into a routine and that has made me complacent. Year one in Ellensburg was full of a lot of personal growth, albeit painful it was growth nonetheless. Year two hasn’t been as much.

When I wrote this, I was listening to this:

I absolutely love this version of Bob Dylan’s “I’m in the mood for you” by Miley Cyrus.