Mom is in the ER again

Mom had to be carried out of her room in her sleeping bag because the bed wouldn’t fit through the door. She was transported to KVH.

She was just where I left her two hours earlier when I stepped out of the house for work. I checked in on her every hour on the hour throughout the night, but she never really moved. I do love seeing her sleep but when she sleeps through the night without waking up worries me because it is not normal.

Update 9:07am

She is in the ER. My anxiety is through the roof. My entire body feels tense. The tension is keeping me from collapsing because it is difficult for me to listen to how she struggles to simply breathe.

Update 9:20am

When Fluffs left us a few months ago, I had a thought that perhaps his role, or rather the reason why he left so sudden and so quick was to prepare me to say good-bye to mum.

I burned the feeling of his little lifeless body in my arms into memory and have relived it at random moments since we let him go in December. When I look at mum I wonder if in the next little bit I will be holding her the same way. The thought makes me want to cry. She doesn’t remember the ER at all. Though she was answering basic questions, she was mostly like this in the ER.

Update 9:44am

Dear doctors, nurses and medical people. I trust you. I trust you to care for one of the two most important human beings on the planet to me. Please be gentle with her.

Update 10:22

Her blood pressure improved with the oxygen treatment. Her O2 levels are below 90 so she is on continuous oxygen, but when they are higher than 95 she starts retaining CO2 and that is not good.

Vitals:

• HR: 127
• BP: 151/68
• Oxygen: 97

She is now getting a second bag of fluids, steroid to help her breathe and then an antibiotics. She will be admitted.

Here is what I know. She is already compromised with her weak body, asthma, and recent treatment for Hypoxema only two weeks ago. Sometime in the night hours she developed symptoms of Sepsis which is dangerous and life threatening. She also has pneumonia and an infection. Right now treatment is more of a balancing act than anything else. More fluids help rid the body of bacteria/virus, but too much weakens ability to treat Sepsis’. Too little could improve her vitals but then needs antibiotics which could react badly to an already weakened body.

We are waiting on BNP results to determine if her heart is failing. If the hormone is not in the blood stream then her heart is likely to be ok, but every minute that I have to wait to know the results feels like murder to me. She mostly slept, occasionally being woken up to get her vitals or have an oxygen treatment.

Update 11:52am

It’s really only been 4 1/2 hours since I woke up. Time is just moving really slow. Beth showed up, and I felt such a feeling of relief when I saw her. Whatever happens, it will be ok because she is here with me.

I spoke with Dr. Kelly Noyes. She remembered mom from the last time she was here. I don’t think that it is a good sign when a doctor remembers you by name at the hospital.

So mom needs to get a CT scan, if it shows signs of pneumonia then that is what she will be treated for otherwise the assumption is that it’s probably a flu. Even though the initial tests did not show that it was a flu.

I felt hopeful hearing the doctor say that mum might even be able to go home tomorrow, but we will have to wait to see how well she regains her strength. Her vitals are more stable. And she even smiled at one point.

Update 12:54pm

Mom is in her room now. She has been admitted and is using the same room as last time (11 days ago). I think that mum would get a kick to know how many nurses recognize her from her most recent visit. She looks tired and is mostly sleeping.

Irasema brought lunch. She is kind to mum. In general, I function on the assumption that we take care of our own. So, I feel a significant level of discomfort asking for, or accepting help with mum’s care from anyone. Accepting help makes me feel that I am avoiding my responsibility. This is so much more true when it comes to mum. Mum is my responsibility.

Update 4:30pm

She seems to be stable. Possible pneumonia. Possible UTI. The latter is most certainly true. It’s mostly about how to treat the pneumonia or what ever other infection she might have.

Update 8:33pm

Dr. Gibbs informed us that it was Pneumonia. Although she showed many signs of Spesis, it turned out not to be it. That is a good sign. Mum is wheezing heavily and that concerns me. I’ve never heard or seen her this bad. She will stay the night. We’ll be back to morrow morning.

When I wrote this, I was listening to this:

I shared this with a friend once. The reply I got back was “Why does this song make me want to cry?” Music is like that. Right now, this song makes me feel resolved.